There are many common misconceptions in the war of the sexes. Obviously one side believes that the other is at fault for a majority of their woes, but 9 times out of 10 this simply isn’t true. I often hear, “Oh, men are dogs. He only wants one thing.” “If it wasn’t for men, we wouldn’t have war.” “Where are all of the good men!?” “I have to wear all of this uncomfortable clothing because of men.” “Oh, I just can’t understand him. Why can’t he communicate his feelings? Why is he such an arrogant jerk? ” These are the kind of statements that we hear from women all of the time. From men I often hear, “Man, if this chick calls me ONE MORE TIME while I’m drinking this beer and watching this football game, I’m gonna snap and end up on the news!” “Women are emotional powder kegs!” “Dude, I got stuck shopping for 9 hours!!!” “She asked me she was fat, so I jumped out of the window and took the pavement dude…It was worth it. I couldn’t take another fight.”I’m gonna try not to be long winded about this, but I’m going to boil down all of the women’s complaints to a simple statement; You’re f’n crazy. That’s right, I said it. Men are very very simple creatures who have a very simple thought process. 90% of this thought process is genetically programmed. That’s why 90% of guys get along with one another. That remaining 10% ususally have their heads rammed up their asses because they were convinced along the way that jerks get chicks. So without further ado, let’s hit the womens' major points 1-4…
1. Yes, guys want one thing, but appreciate other things too
Popular Myth: Guys want to get in my pants
Actual Truth: I am sorry to be the one to confirm the vicious rumor, but yes, we are trying to get in your pants…as often as you will let us.
 | |
| The purpose of life |
It’s not that we’re trying to be evil or malicious, but we are just programmed that way. It is our purpose on earth. It has no bearing on guy’s underlying personality. It’s the simple process of evolution that we are programmed to reproduce as much as possible. Without it, we’d have no species, civilization, chocolate factories, or Sex and the City marathons. We would like very much to not be that way but we can’t undo nature. This does not mean that we aren’t interested in a relationship; we just compartmentalize by nature. Sex and love are two different things to us. There is no sadder creature on earth than a man in love because he would suffer anything for that girl and habitually acts against his nature for her.
Wives and Girlfriends: Even the most loyal of guys is checking out every girl he walks by on a hot summer day, but when asked will say, “Oh baby, you’re the only one for me”, or make up some other excuse. The real answer is, “Yes dear, I was checking her out. She’s f’n hot, and I’ve been standing here watching you compare 3 different shirts that look exactly the same for the past 5 hours! She was a break in the scenery!”
Single Ladies: We aren’t too picky about it either. Depending on your locale, I’d guesstimate about 7/10 women fall in the range of “do-able”. So don’t get gassed up if a guy looks you up and down (while you’re showing all kinds of skin or not). When you dress all nekked like that, you’re essentially taking a day trip to Somalia dressed as a grilled cheese. Overall there’s no bigger turn off than an arrogant person. People are not monogamous by nature, so don’t get it twisted. You ain’t what’s hot in the streets. You are replaceable.
2. We did not design your clothing and makeup. In fact, we think you look ridiculous
 |
| "Yeah hun, it looks great ummm...yeah" |
Popular Myth: Men design women’s clothing to objectify them
Actual Truth: Let’s be honest for a minute…the only people that design women’s clothing are either women, or gay men. If they claim that their not gay, their severely divergent from their heterosexuality. Objectifying you is just a pleasant side effect of your silliness.
Single Ladies: The only reason you wear a severely uncomfortable get-up is either in a vain attempt to “out cute” whatever other females you run across in during the course of the day, or procure lots of “unwanted” attention from whatever guys you run across. 9 times out of 10, guys think you look preposterous when you’re out at 2AM in the winter trying to look sexy in mini skirt and revealing lotsa cleave while attempting to balance yourself on stilettos and smoking a fag. We don’t think, “Wow! That’s the hottest chick we’ve seen all night!” We think, “Goddamn that bitch looks cold!” That stuff you “suffer through wearing” just looks down right uncomfortable to us and we can’t for the life of us figure out why you put it on. Its almost like you're all in a competition most days about who can wear the most preposterous shit. Why are you wearing giant fur lined boots and booty hugger shorts!? Generally speaking: If you’re not giving up the goods, we don’t wanna see them. If you are giving up the goods, we don’t want you showing them off to anybody else. Fundamentalist Islam anyone!? It’s hard enough to walk down the streets and not gawk at women without titties popping out everywhere.
In regards to the “out cute”, references abovementioned, let me clarify: Somehow and for some reason on a societal level we have ingrained our young females with a bitter rivalry rather than a sense of camaraderie. So let’s just review the hard facts…There are millions of other girls on the planet. YOU ARE NOT THE CUTEST ONE. YOU ARE NOT EVEN CLOSE. It’s an unreachable goal AS THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE PRETTIER. Howsabout you focus on some other aspect of your personality as a basis for self-definition?
 |
| "What we have here is a failure to communicate" - Paul Newman |
In regards to “unwanted attention”: You know that you’ve got great big tits. Just to clarify, when you wear a shirt showing them off, you are saying, “Everyone look at my great big tits!” This can also be construed as, “Dick Wanted: Inquire Within”. I have always said that even if you are dressed in a damn hotdog costume, if you’re that cute, guys will approach you. When you dress unreasonably scantily or sexily, you are in fact sending a signal. So don’t try to act innocent, confused, or offended when you get treated like a skank or someone offers you some dick.
3. We don’t understand the things that you do, nor do we care why you do them
Popular Myth: He’s playing dumb
 | |
| Even the dream guys won't understand you ladies... |
Actual Truth: He ain’t playing
You are strange mysterious creatures to us that do odd mystical things. You are as far above us we are to the common hamburger. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE THINKING, EVER!! WE KNOW THAT WE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO INTERPRET YOU, SO WHY BOTHER! That is a scientific fact. We’re dumb. You’re not. We do not understand you. Your brains work in ways we can’t understand so as a means of fostering good communication, I propose a singular form of communication: ENGLISH* (may not apply if you do not live in America, or England. See reverse side of label for proper use). Really, everyone will just be happier that way.
4. Men are competitive by nature, not combative.
Popular Myth: Men are violent in nature and love to fight
Actual Truth: Men are competitive, and generally not combative in nature
 |
| Confucius Say: He who is hungriest gets the 'tang |
Men are taught from an early age to be very competitive with rare exception. “Why” you ask? “Can’t they learn to express their feelings?” Hell no. In any given situation, men have to compete to survive (jobs, mates, the last Eggo, etc.) Its a dog eat dog world out there, so we are taught from early age that one has to be competitive to be successful, and that chicks dig winners. Being that purpose of life is to establish residence in your sticky spot, we get pretty damn competitive in public. After a while, some degree of harmless conflict (sports, videogames, epic ping pong) becomes enjoyable bonding because our finer emotional connective skills eventually atrophy. There is an underlying understanding of this between all men however this does not mean that we like out and out war. This is shown most vividly in the instance of a confrontation. After the confrontation men are able to see eye to eye as to original root of the conflict: competition for a resource. Once one disintermediates the resource, there is no more reason for conflict and the guys become friends, often sharing an underlying primary bond of not really wanting to fight in the first place. Girls however go on hating each other and waging war until the end of time for reasons that are eventually lost to them. Guys do not like to fight, or haggle unless we are *severely emotionally disturbed or there is a very well defined reason why. Even if we don't like another guy, we'll just avoid him unless there is a call for open conflict. So usually we’re quite peaceable.
Wives and Girlfriends: As the girlfriends and wives can attest to, men do not love to fight. In fact, fighting is the last thing that guy wants to do, especially with you. Domesticated men abhor conflict. Men are simple creatures who usually take the path of least resistance. Being that the path of most resistance is usually through you, we do anything to avoid it.
Single Ladies: He’s probably acting like hot headed douche for one or two reasons...Reason one: Men are simple cause and effect-based creatures. He’s acting like a douche because girls date him when he acts like a “bad boy” douche. If you want him to stop acting like a douche, STOP DATING HIM. He’ll pick up quickly that acting like a douche is something chicks do not like and HE WILL STOP DOING IT.
Reason two: He is scared to death of seeming “unmanly” and losing you, or he is gassed up on himself. Girls say they want a sensitive guy, but in reality the sensitive guys get trampled on. I will expound on that later. Other than that, the guy has a super ego and thinks he's all that.
Rule of thumb: Stop dating douches and there’ll stop being douches to date, duh. If, despite his douchiness, he still gets you all excited and moist in your Victoria Secrets and you continue to date him, you can’t bitch about him being a douche. Merely accept that you are weak willed and stupid and spare us all the whining.
No comments:
Post a Comment