Pentagram: Meatiest Deathcore Breakdowns

There is a lot of hate out there for Deathcore these days unfortunately from a lot of purists. I think that it can get tiresome if you’re overexposed to it, just like anything else, but it really injects a stale genre with a lot of extra flavor when done properly. Deathcore can be defined as any hybrid of the elements of modern death, with some degree of hardcore punk, and possibly another form of metal.  The earmark of the genre is the breakdown which represents a point of unity between all members of the band and their audience. It is often considered the heaviest section of a given song. Ultimately the breakdown ties together the song and unifies the theme. A good breakdown sucks the air out of a room and puts everyone on a “kill” setting. In short; bones break, blood flies, and people die. Each of these bands brings something interesting to the genre, rather than the simple "chugga chugga" that defines it. So without further ado, these are my favorite breakdowns.

"Fuckin' Bow Down!!" - Born of Osirs

5. Born of Osiris (Death, Hardcore, Prog)  "Abstract Art" This band definitely has a very strong proggressive leaning. This is by far this has to be one of the most clever breakdowns I've ever heard. Not only does the whole song sound like polyrhythmic masturbation session, but the keyboard takes the lead for the breakdown. Its definitely an eye opener and a neck breaker. It has left many a pit goer on the ground saying, "WTF!"

"I detest this life" - All Shall Perish

4. All Shall Perish (Technical Death, Hardcore, Thrash, Prog) "Never Ending War"  Being that this band essentially specializes in tech death, anything they play is gonna sound long winded and grandiose. Not so much the case with this breakdown...Its simple, efficient, emotional, and exceedingly brutal. Hate / Malice / Revenge!

"Where is your GOD!?" - Suicide Silence

3 Suicide Silence (Death, Hardcore, Nu) “Wake Up” "Wake Up" This is a very "love it / hate it" song from a "love it /  hate it" band. Mixing death with nu metal is definitely a no-no to most metalheads, but on their new album, I think it works pretty well. This is a slow, plodding, dragged out breakdown that just epitomizes heavy.

"If I ruled  the world...I'd kill all mankind" - The Acacia Strain

"You are dismembered.
Every entrail is consumed, none of your limbs shall go to waste." - Oceano

 

2. The Acacia Strain (Death, Hardcore, Experimental) "The Hills Have Eyes" If you were to ask me who the heaviest band on the planet was, despite their occasional goofiness, I'd probably tell you that it was the Acacia Strain. Not only are Vincent's lyrics some of the vicious bile-filled words ever put on page, but DL's guitar work is both masterful and minimalistic. Combining both equal influences of Hatebreed and Meshuggah, AS's songs are simultaneously simple for the mind, but tricky to the ear. The "Hills" breakdown is what every breakdown aspires to be. 

1. Oceano (Death, Hardcore, Doom) "Samael the Destroyer" Oceano's debut album was by far the most impressive deathcore album I've ever heard; hands down. In my humble opinion, the album was a masterpiece, every member did a perfect job with their parts. Its well orchestrated (*note I said "Orchestrated"), uncompromisingly heavy, groove-laiden, and stomach churning. In an album that essentially sounds like one long breakdown, with "StD" the band does a good job of injecting a lot of emotion and melody into the closing breakdown. It literally sounds like crushing despair coming out of every single member of the band and it's a beautiful thing.

Drunk on the Couch: Double Double Dragon

Spinning Heel to the grill homie

An esteemed friend of mine has not only asked me to review a game sequel, but also to compare it to an even later sequel. I will begin with the standard disclaimer that I issue whenever I give you these brief glances into my head: YOU WILL BE OFFENDED IF YOU READ THIS REVIEW…NOTICE THE OMMISSION OF “MAY BE OFFENDED”.  That having been said let’s start the review. Double Dragon 3: The Sacred Stones on the NES v. Super Double Dragon on the SNES. 

In my opinion there is no comparison between these two games. My friend picked these two titles in particular because 1. I luuuuvvv side scrolling beat ‘em ups 2. I luuuuvvvvvv Double Dragon and 3. These two games are perhaps the most controversial games in the series. So I would like to start off by offering a brief account of the genre and then my two cents on Double Dragon 3 on the NES.

You just pop the cartridge in...

“What the fuck!?” That is my first and last impression of this game. Anyone who has played this game knows exactly what I am talking about. For those of you who don’t know the hustle behind the side scrolling beat ‘em up: Back when you got the 5$ allowance back in the late 80's , game designers sought new and innovative ways to separate you from it. Hence we have the inception of side scrolling beat ‘em up. The general premise of such games is that you and N number of friends plunk quarters into this lovely machine and spend a Saturday afternoon scrolling to the side and cooperatively kicking evil squaaaa in nuts. Obviously these games were designed to remove as many of those quarters from your pocket as possible in a very short amount of time. In these games, much like the Middle Ages, life was brutal, your adversaries probably couldn’t read, the meat you ate was probably rotten, and death came easy. The good news is that when a game was finally ported to a home console, the game became much less “cheap” and focused on overall difficulty rather than stealing money out of your pocket simply because you already paid the price of admission.  Usually rather than infinite lives (which cost you a quarter a piece), a player had a fixed number of lives and maybe a Continue or two in case you really dropped the soap during your campaign. This is all standard stuff for the genre which has given us The Simpsons, AVP, Final Fight, TMNT 1 & 2, X-Men, Golden Axe, Streets of Rage 1 through a-friggin-billion, Knights of the Round, and most prominently, Double Dragon. 

and two minutes later, you got this.

Again for those of you that don’t know… Double Dragon (which for purposes of laziness will be noted furthermore as “DD”) is /was / might be set in a post-apocalyptic world where the only survivors are two white guys with pompadour haircuts and faux- Chinese names who work on cars and do kung fu. If that weren’t 80’s cliché enough (remember every white guy in the 80’s was either a Karate Master or a Ninja), these guys look like the stepped off America’s Next Top Model with their knee-high boots and matching outfits. So as the Lee brothers, William and James (Hammer and Spike / Billy and Jimmy), you set off across the city to rescue the lovely Marian who was dumb enough to get  fist raped and carried off into the night by the Shadow Warriors while offering absolutely no resistance. NONE! Anyhoo, let’s be off like a bikini top to  whoop some ass. (*note: featured video gag is 100x better than the actual game)

DD3 is the third game in the series, and takes place across the world (somehow the apocalypse was undone since the first game) on a quest to retrieve the Sacred Stones, which might as well be petrified horse testicles. Why? Because unless you’re an unredeemable nerd, you’re never gonna see them. This game is harder than Michael Jackson on the set of Sesame Street, and cheaper than a Chinese Jew that steals plastic bags from Wal-Mart. 

Billy Lee. Bare Hands. No power.

This game is either utterly ridiculous, or completely grounded in reality, depending your perspective. On one hand, as a simulation DD3, does a remarkable job of showing you just how stupid taking on an 80’s kung fu street gang (usually having ranks in the bazillions) really is. Being that the average super extra ordinary martial artist will be able to take maybe 10 or 12 doods before getting completely overwhelmed; this game hits the nail on the head. Simply put, when you play this game, you’re gonna get sodomized, and not in the passionate Six Feet Under kinda way, but in the “I am not your King” 300 kinda way. Ice T and the SVU team are gonna show up and send you to the hospital to get a rape kit done.  You have one power bar in this game, no extra lives, and no Continues. That’s a completely new precedent in the genre. It’s pretty much an “F-U for buying this game”. In fact, as I recall, Satan himself appeared on the screen, made fun of my mother and then my Child World receipt spontaneously combusted. The only way around this is to play with a friend and somehow get far enough in this game to get the extra two characters that defected to your side: Hanzo the ninja, and Chin who has put on A LOT OF WEIGHT since the first game!!

WHO WANTS RIBS!?

Control-wise the game is typical NES fare. The moves in this game aren’t so spectacular, but you have the trademark DD move: The TORNADO kick! There was also a co-op rocket wall jump kick thingy as well, which for some reason the bad guys can do better than you. The graphics were pretty slick for the time and the music was meh, nothing special. Other interesting notes…oh the last boss is MUMMY! Don’t ask me what they were thinking when the made this game, but just play it for five minutes and everything that I have said will be validated. Overall I’d say it’s pretty good game, though I have a sneaking suspicion that Bernie Madoff, George Bush, and the Legion of Doom all had a hand in its development.

Actual screen shot

Super Double Dragon, or SDD, is super friggin game whether you’re playing the American or Japanese version (though the Japanese version is a little tighter). It is by far, my favorite in the series. Its big, its colorful, its epic, it’s quite possibly perfect. The best thing about it is that it actually mixes in real martial arts. DOUBLE DRAGON, NOW WITH LESS SALT AND NOW MADE WITH 100% MARTIAL ARTS!! From the low high roundhouse combos, hook kicks, punch counters, spinning backfists, to the blocking, wall bounces, and jump kicks, this game really delivers. There is also an apparent ‘roid meter that lets you do augmented moves or totally hulks you up if you charge it completely. It’s definitely an odd addition but it works I guess. Bo staffs, tonfas, nunchukus, and boomerangs also make notable appearances in this game as well as the standard dynamite, barrel, and knife weapon options. The music is pretty good and definitely hits a high note during the fight scene on the panel truck crossing the bridge. It’s a run-on level and the  truck eventually crashes prompting a remix of the original DD theme to revitalize the ass-whoopin’. My only real gripes are that the airport level is a dry and very left field. Everyone knows crime syndicates have helicopters and private jets! They don’t fly friggin coach!  Also I don’t really appreciate the obligatory China Town stage; it’s been done to death (though the speed bag was a nice touch). The last boss also looks like Tony Little!? Meh, so it isn’t perfect, but it’s by far the best in the series.

War of the Sexes Part I: Common Misconceptions

There are many common misconceptions in the war of the sexes. Obviously one side believes that the other is at fault for a majority of their woes, but 9 times out of 10 this simply isn’t true. I often hear, “Oh, men are dogs. He only wants one thing.” “If it wasn’t for men, we wouldn’t have war.” “Where are all of the good men!?”  “I have to wear all of this uncomfortable clothing because of men.” “Oh, I just can’t understand him. Why can’t he communicate his feelings? Why is he such an arrogant jerk? ” These are the kind of statements that we hear from women all of the time.  From men I often hear, “Man, if this chick calls me ONE MORE TIME while I’m drinking this beer and watching this football game, I’m gonna snap and end up on the news!” “Women are emotional powder kegs!”  “Dude, I got stuck shopping for 9 hours!!!”  “She asked me she was fat, so I jumped out of the window and took the pavement dude…It was worth it. I couldn’t take another fight.”

I’m gonna try not to be long winded about this, but I’m going to boil down all of the women’s complaints to a simple statement; You’re f’n crazy. That’s right, I said it. Men are very very simple creatures who have a very simple thought process. 90% of this thought process is genetically programmed. That’s why 90% of guys get along with one another. That remaining 10% ususally have their heads rammed up their asses because they were convinced along the way that jerks get chicks. So without further ado, let’s hit the womens' major points 1-4…

1.       Yes, guys want one thing, but appreciate other things too

Popular Myth:          Guys want to get in my pants

Actual Truth:            I am sorry to be the one to confirm the vicious rumor, but yes, we are   trying to get in your pants…as often as you will let us.

The purpose of life

It’s not that we’re trying to be evil or malicious, but we are just programmed that way. It is our purpose on earth. It has no bearing on guy’s underlying personality. It’s the simple process of evolution that we are programmed to reproduce as much as possible. Without it, we’d have no species, civilization, chocolate factories, or Sex and the City marathons. We would like very much to not be that way but we can’t undo nature. This does not mean that we aren’t interested in a relationship; we just compartmentalize by nature. Sex and love are two different things to us. There is no sadder creature on earth than a man in love because he would suffer anything for that girl and habitually acts against his nature for her.

Wives and Girlfriends: Even the most loyal of guys is checking out every girl he walks by on a hot summer day, but when asked will say, “Oh baby, you’re the only one for me”, or make up some other excuse. The real answer is, “Yes dear, I was checking her out. She’s f’n hot, and I’ve been standing here watching you compare 3 different shirts that look exactly the same for the past 5 hours! She was a break in the scenery!”

Single Ladies: We aren’t too picky about it either. Depending on your locale, I’d guesstimate about 7/10 women fall in the range of “do-able”.  So don’t get gassed up if a guy looks you up and down (while you’re showing all kinds of skin or not). When you dress all nekked like that, you’re essentially taking a day trip to Somalia dressed as a grilled cheese. Overall there’s no bigger turn off than an arrogant person. People are not monogamous by nature, so don’t get it twisted. You ain’t what’s hot in the streets. You are replaceable.

2.       We did not design your clothing and makeup. In fact, we think you look ridiculous

"Yeah hun, it looks great ummm...yeah"

Popular Myth:          Men design women’s clothing  to objectify them

Actual Truth:             Let’s be honest for a minute…the only people that design women’s clothing are either women, or gay men. If they claim that their not gay, their severely divergent from their heterosexuality. Objectifying you is just a pleasant side effect of your silliness.

 Single Ladies:  The only reason you wear a severely uncomfortable get-up is either in a vain attempt to “out cute” whatever other females you run across in during the course of the day, or procure lots of “unwanted” attention from whatever guys you run across. 9 times out of 10, guys think you look preposterous when you’re out at 2AM in the winter trying to look sexy in mini skirt and revealing lotsa cleave while attempting to balance yourself on stilettos and smoking a fag. We don’t think, “Wow! That’s the hottest chick we’ve seen all night!” We think, “Goddamn that bitch looks cold!” That stuff you “suffer through wearing” just looks down right uncomfortable to us and we can’t for the life of us figure out why you put it on. Its almost like you're all in a competition most days about who can wear the most preposterous shit. Why are you wearing giant fur lined boots and booty hugger shorts!? Generally speaking: If you’re not giving up the goods, we don’t wanna see them. If you are giving up the goods, we don’t want you showing them off to anybody else. Fundamentalist Islam anyone!?  It’s hard enough to walk down the streets and not gawk at women without titties popping out everywhere.

In regards to the “out cute”, references abovementioned, let me clarify: Somehow and for some reason on a societal level we have ingrained our young females with a bitter rivalry rather than a sense of camaraderie. So let’s just review the hard facts…There are millions of other girls on the planet. YOU ARE NOT THE CUTEST ONE. YOU ARE NOT EVEN CLOSE. It’s an unreachable goal AS THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE PRETTIER. Howsabout you focus on some other aspect of your personality as a basis for self-definition?

"What we have here is a failure to communicate" - Paul Newman

In regards to “unwanted attention”: You know that you’ve got great big tits. Just to clarify, when you wear a shirt showing them off, you are saying, “Everyone look at my great big tits!” This can also be construed as, “Dick Wanted: Inquire Within”. I have always said that even if you are dressed in a damn hotdog costume, if you’re that cute, guys will approach you. When you dress unreasonably scantily or sexily, you are in fact sending a signal. So don’t try to act innocent, confused, or offended when you get treated like a skank or someone offers you some dick.

3.       We don’t understand the things that you do, nor do we care why you do them

Popular Myth:          He’s playing dumb

Even the dream guys won't understand you ladies...

Actual Truth:           He ain’t playing

You are strange mysterious creatures to us that do odd mystical things. You are as far above us we are to the common hamburger.  WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE THINKING, EVER!!  WE KNOW THAT WE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO INTERPRET YOU, SO WHY BOTHER! That is a scientific fact. We’re dumb. You’re not. We do not understand you. Your brains work in ways we can’t understand so as a means of fostering good communication, I propose a singular form of communication: ENGLISH* (may not apply if you do not live in America, or England. See reverse side of label for proper use). Really, everyone will just be happier that way.

4.       Men are competitive by nature, not combative.

Popular Myth:          Men are violent in nature and love to fight

Actual Truth:           Men are competitive, and generally not combative in nature

Confucius Say: He who is hungriest gets the 'tang

Men are taught from an early age to be very competitive with rare exception. “Why” you ask? “Can’t they learn to express their feelings?” Hell no. In any given situation, men have to compete to survive (jobs, mates, the last Eggo, etc.) Its a dog eat dog world out there, so we are taught from early age that one has to be competitive to be successful, and that chicks dig winners. Being that purpose of life is to establish residence in your sticky spot, we get pretty damn competitive in public. After a while, some degree of harmless conflict (sports, videogames, epic ping pong) becomes enjoyable bonding because our finer emotional connective skills eventually atrophy. There is an underlying understanding of this between all men however this does not mean that we like out and out war. This is shown most vividly in the instance of a confrontation. After the confrontation men are able to see eye to eye as to original root of the conflict:  competition for a resource. Once one disintermediates the resource, there is no more reason for conflict and the guys become friends, often sharing an underlying primary bond of not really wanting to fight in the first place. Girls however go on hating each other and waging war until the end of time for reasons that are eventually lost to them. Guys do not like to fight, or haggle unless we are *severely emotionally disturbed or there is a very well defined reason why. Even if we don't like another guy, we'll just avoid him unless there is a call for open conflict. So usually we’re quite peaceable.

Wives and Girlfriends: As the girlfriends and wives can attest to, men do not love to fight. In fact, fighting is the last thing that guy wants to do, especially with you. Domesticated men abhor conflict. Men are simple creatures who usually take the path of least resistance. Being that the path of most resistance is usually through you, we do anything to avoid it.

Single Ladies: He’s probably acting like hot headed douche for one or two reasons...

Reason one: Men are simple cause and effect-based creatures. He’s acting like a douche because girls date him when he acts like a “bad boy” douche. If you want him to stop acting like a douche, STOP DATING HIM. He’ll pick up quickly that acting like a douche is something chicks do not like and HE WILL STOP DOING IT.  

Reason two: He is scared to death of seeming “unmanly” and losing you, or he is gassed up on himself.  Girls say they want a sensitive guy, but in reality the sensitive guys get trampled on. I will expound on that later. Other than that, the guy has a super ego and thinks he's all that.

Rule of thumb: Stop dating douches and there’ll stop being douches to date, duh.  If, despite his douchiness, he still gets you all excited and moist in your Victoria Secrets and you continue to date him, you can’t bitch about him being a douche.  Merely accept that you are weak willed and stupid and spare us all the whining.

Pentagram: Metal Drummers

1.       John “The Charn” Rice Job for a Cowboy

2.       Gene Hoglan Divine Heresy, Dethklok, Strapping Young Lad, Megadeth, Death

3.       Bran Dailor Mastodon

4.       Inferno Behemoth

5.       Joey Jordison Slipknot, Murderdolls, Rob Zombie, Korn, Ministry, Metallica