Hey guys, sorry it’s been long overdue but I wanted to get to work on this article which I’ve been very much delayed in completing for various unimportant-to-you reasons. I’m going to try to not be biased “because I am a guy”, and to just be as clear as possible. I feel that I should probably get the major prereq out of the way first…so let’s be clear: GUYS, YOU ARE STUPID. As most things in this world are relative, this is not to say that you are stupid in and of yourselves, however this is just to say that you’re going to be 5 steps behind most women in any given emotional situation. That’s why 9 times out of 10 you don’t know what the heck you did wrong. So let’s begin…
1. Man, if this chick calls me ONE MORE TIME while I’m drinking this beer and watching this football game, I’m gonna lose it and end up on the news tonight!
Popular Myth: She’s trying to drive me totally insane
Actual Truth: She’s may be trying to drive you totally insane
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| INTERNATIONAL MEN'S FREEDOM FLAG |
This is one of those things that totally contextual, so she may be actually trying to drive you nuts out of spite, or she may be inadvertently trying to drive you nuts. Let’s examine this common issue…First off; everyone loves a new relationship! They’re great!! You want to spend every waking moment with this new and exciting person. You can’t keep your eyes off one another. You can’t keep your hands off one another. It’s a whole new type of drug (*based on physiochemical reactions in the brain similar to narcotics) but the drug does where off. Being that guys have a different schema of attraction than most women do, the effects of that drug are decidedly shorter lived. “Why is this?” you might ask. Simply put; that romantic-touchy-feely-roses n’ candy stuff ain’t real love. S'called infatuation. That’s the easy shit; the cake stage that’s ropes you in. Love is a gritty, horrible, pain-tested maw that chews you up daily. This is not to say that it doesn’t have its rewarding moments but generally it’s a test to see how long you can go without killing this person who greats you daily with morning breath and does that thing that you hate for the 1 billionth time since you met them. Akin to this, you’ll notice that baby’s come cute and endearing and then turn into holy terrors, disrespectful teens, and then money sucking college students. I know those of you that would disagree with this short glib assessment, especially those in that first stage o’ love, but you call me in 10 years and we’ll have a square debate when you catch up. So just to offer a quick counter to your standard Cosmo article: Women don’t judge how much your man loves you by the flowers, candy, jewels, and expensive dinners. Judge it by the length of time he’s gone without killing you. Overall guys get this concept much sooner, mostly because they’re designed to eyeball any pair of D’s that walks by, and that being the guy in the relationship with any woman with standards, has its decidedly sucky moments...sorry to say.
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| Samurai husband. Ghost wife. Perfect marriage? |
Genetically speaking, the human being is a polygamous creature by nature, as most animals are. Women however are generally much more genetically prone toward monogamous relationships because of the simple principles of evolution. This means that waaaaaay back in prehistoric times, if a cave chick didn’t shack up with a cave dude and really get him invested in that relationship, if not just temporarily, there was a much greater chance that she would have been a jerky treat for dinosaur while lugging that bundle of cave joy. You, being the super dude that you are, well…you’re going to hop on any woman that you don’t totally hate that looks half way decent as soon as the best opportunity presents itself and then move onto the next one. Again, many of you may disagree with this concept. To those folks I say, “Shaddup you lying sack o’ crap”. I would contend that this populous species that we have didn’t come about because every guy wasn’t looking for “the one”, but more so for the “the one that would give up the booty tonight”. This is not to lay blame. Good, bad or indifferent, that’s how you’re designed. Its ok, you’re stupid, simple creatures soundly operating according the principles of rationality.
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| "The Bulls just scored a touchdown, right dear?" |
Fellas, if you couldn’t tell by the numerous pregnancy specialty stores, it’s really not all that easy to be pregnant for 9 months and have an extra foot of waistband to contend with. That’s where you come in! All this exposition is really just to clarify one point to you, which is that women get very attached to a guy they see long term potential in. This is irregardless (YEAH I STILL USE THAT WORD!) of the particular station that he occupies at any given time. She’ll always going to stay looking appetizing to him. For guys, this convexted into any girl he sees long term potential in getting booty from, no matter how costly.
Following the logical train of thought that men are stupid, one can logically deduce that women are smart, and thusly they understand that other women are smarter than you as well. Going back to the numbers of it all, unless you’re in China or some other like-minded country, women outnumber us. This means that there aren’t enough guys to go around, and definitely not enough “good” ones. So your woman logically deduces that if she’s picked you as a “good” guy out of the other hundred schmucks that have hit on her in the month, another girl is likely to see that too. Soooo…
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| The boobs say it all |
There are most likely two reasons why you get a ton of calls at inopportune times (e.g. out with the guys, watching the game, doing something veeeeery important in the office, hooking up with your other girlfriend…). From her perspective those two reasons would be 1: “He’s not here. I wish that he was here with me. Let’s see if I can convince him to come back here” and 2: “He’s not here. He might get tempted by some other woman with more / better _____________ than me! Guys are stupid! He’ll cheat on me!” While most often you are just thinking, “That woman’s driving me nuts, I need some eeeeiiiiiiiaaaaa before I fuckin snap!!” This is not to say that you aren’t checking out every cute butt that walks by while you’re getting that air, but most decent guys I know will pick the fortune cookie out of the “stick with your wife barrel” . This does get tricky on occasion as guys are generally not programmed to say no to free booty, *but more on that in later entries. Getting back to the point, more than likely she’s calling your stupid lucky ass because she misses you , OR she’s afraid that someone’s going to steal you away and then she’s REALLY GOING TO MISS YOU. Disclaimer: Keep in mind that there is the off chance that she actually misplaced the peanut butter, the bouillon cubes, or whatever insane thing she’s disguised the call with. There is no cure for this unfortunately, and I didn’t want to pose as a snake oil salesman and give you false hope…but it’s just part of the suckitude that is being a dude in 2011. *but more on that in later entries. Whatever you do, just don't pull a Wolverine on her. It should pass.
2. Women are emotional powder kegs!
Popular Myth: She’s a bomb waiting to go off!
Actual Truth: Most girls are entirely rational, reasonable creatures…that reserve the RIGHT to be irrational and unreasonable when they are outmatched
Being that you’re a guy, I know inherently that you aren’t complicated. I have always, maintained that there is no such thing as a complicated guy. Unfortunately for you, women are complicated and their minds are going a mile a minute, usually about nothing important, but in motion non-the-less. The reason for this is that they have better sensory inputs than you. Let me clarify this for you…For example when one is a small baby and one learns to speak a language, there are a near infinite set of phonemes, or utterances that one can make. The more you learn to speak, the less one uses certain phonemes until eventually you are only able to make the sounds that your particular language requires. Guys in western cultures aren’t conditioned to be emotional creatures, but rational ones that rely on hard fact, reasonable speculative deduction, and trend spotting to determine a reaction or course of action. Simply put, you are working with a completely different basis and thought process for decision making than most women. Women tend to inherently integrate their emotional state into their decision making process in most cases. Unfortunately, as guys, we can’t interpret this as anything other than “YOU’RE NUCKING FUTS!”, “Where the hell did that come from!?”, “Why the fudge would you do that!?”, or even “I have no idea what I did, but she’s pissed”. You’re thinking, “Why did she buy that bright pink sun dress and 250$ sunglasses? It’s November and we live in Greenland.” She’s thinking “Pink is my favorite color. I’ll get a chance to wear it some point in my life if I lose 15lbs and go up two cup sizes.” This is something that we guys will never understand. You should make peace with this fact.
Much to the contrary of the popular myth, todays woman is generally very educated, intelligent, logic based creature. Part of this is due to the women’s rights movement, the integration into the workforce, and the general struggle for equality. So this has led to a series of double standards that systematically confuse and befuddle the modern man which can be summed up in the statement of, “Do not treat me like some illogical , irrational, inconsolable, hysteric! I am just as capable and intelligent as you…except when I’m really mad and I’m allowed to act like an irrational, inconsolable, and hysteric!” Again, I’m not claiming to have an avenue around it, but that’s just the reality that you should be prepared for. I hate to say it guys, but no matter how great your girl is, and I have seen some stellar girlfriends; when push comes to shove, she reserves the RIGHT to act KUH-RAZAAH!! (FYI: that is approximately 3 standard deviations from normal “crazy”) Again, I don’t care how great your girl is; sooner or later she’s gonna act batshit crazy and have absolutely no remorse about it. Consequently, you’d better not say a goddamn thing about it because pointing how illogical or crazy something is, just makes them more illogical and crazy
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| Optimus didn't master the "yes, dear" |
TIP: Master the “yes, dear”. It’s a very important technique to learn and should be practiced from inception. This is not to say roll over whenever your woman gets heated, or literally say “yes, dear”. You should stick to your guns, but just be aware that you’re never really going to “win” an argument. Come to think of it, most “victories” are short lived as they are soon revisited in the future with renewed vitriol and explosiveness. Like a good zombie, women's arguments never really die as they are usually based on emotion. So guys, pick your battles. Is being “right” it worth the unending headache? Unless you’ve got someone else lined up, most times it’s not, so just keep that in mind. You live in mortal fear of facing hell for (*insert pet peeve here), but don’t you dare remind her about (*insert pet peeve here) more than once or you’ll catch a hot one.
TIP: Stop doing dumb shit, or as a friend of mine would say, “Don’t get in trouble”. This consists of first redefining your concept of dumb shit (i.e. your woman’s), and then stop doing it. Unfortunately this is a trial and error process and requires that you get your hands dirty. It is never a smooth or easy procedure, so be confident that she’ll tolerate your dumb ass until you figure it out. It also requires being thoughtful and understanding that women have emotions-in-practice, rather than a guy’s emotions-in-theory. This involves a certain amount of guesswork and practical theory. So learn to subconciously preface every decision with “what is she going to think, how is she going to react, and how is it going to work out to be my fault?” to A, B, or C. Also let me reinforce the point that it is going to be YOUR FAULT (that some girl checked you out, that you had to work late, or that Japan had an earthquake), so understand that shit fundamentally. That’ll save you most headaches. If you forgo these precursive measures and do something stupid, go to the "pray she never finds out" option as a backup.
TIP: *Keep in mind fellas, that you are not to come into a new relationship with these schemas previously embedded in your mind, as this will make women disinterested in you. You are to repeat these steps with each new partner. Women, much like carpenters, prefer to have a fixer upper boyfriend with good possibilities as it keeps them engaged, inventive, and challenged. Don’t be thinking you’re going to act like the perfect trouble-free-boyfriend off the bat. Most women don’t like that shit as much as they won't admit it (*aforementioned). Whereas guys love a woman that doesn’t aggravate them habitually, girls prefer to face a certain reasonable degree of lying, cheating, and stealing . The girls that usually vehemently contest this well established fact either are studying full time to be cat-ladies, or have some poor schmuck soooo helplessly whooped that they feel untouchable. You’re using guy-logic thinking that you’ll save them the trouble, aggravation, crushed self esteem, and years of therapy by acting like superman, but you're really just setting yourself up to get wrecked. It’s all about finding an acceptable level of dumb shit and implied remorsefulness. If your girl ever describes your relationship as “perfect”, you’d better watch yo ass Jack because its human nature to seek out conflict. Another way to think of it is in the reaction a guy gives when he falls in love with a girl. He says, “She’s perfect!” A girl will say, “He’ll be perfect, just as soon as I fix this one thing about him!” Make sure you always have that one thing to fix.
