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| Spinning Heel to the grill homie |
An esteemed friend of mine has not only asked me to review a game sequel, but also to compare it to an even later sequel. I will begin with the standard disclaimer that I issue whenever I give you these brief glances into my head: YOU WILL BE OFFENDED IF YOU READ THIS REVIEW…NOTICE THE OMMISSION OF “MAY BE OFFENDED”. That having been said let’s start the review. Double Dragon 3: The Sacred Stones on the NES v. Super Double Dragon on the SNES.
In my opinion there is no comparison between these two games. My friend picked these two titles in particular because 1. I luuuuvvv side scrolling beat ‘em ups 2. I luuuuvvvvvv Double Dragon and 3. These two games are perhaps the most controversial games in the series. So I would like to start off by offering a brief account of the genre and then my two cents on Double Dragon 3 on the NES.
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| You just pop the cartridge in... |
“What the fuck!?” That is my first and last impression of this game. Anyone who has played this game knows exactly what I am talking about. For those of you who don’t know the hustle behind the side scrolling beat ‘em up: Back when you got the 5$ allowance back in the late 80's , game designers sought new and innovative ways to separate you from it. Hence we have the inception of side scrolling beat ‘em up. The general premise of such games is that you and N number of friends plunk quarters into this lovely machine and spend a Saturday afternoon scrolling to the side and cooperatively kicking evil squaaaa in nuts. Obviously these games were designed to remove as many of those quarters from your pocket as possible in a very short amount of time. In these games, much like the Middle Ages, life was brutal, your adversaries probably couldn’t read, the meat you ate was probably rotten, and death came easy. The good news is that when a game was finally ported to a home console, the game became much less “cheap” and focused on overall difficulty rather than stealing money out of your pocket simply because you already paid the price of admission. Usually rather than infinite lives (which cost you a quarter a piece), a player had a fixed number of lives and maybe a Continue or two in case you really dropped the soap during your campaign. This is all standard stuff for the genre which has given us The Simpsons, AVP, Final Fight, TMNT 1 & 2, X-Men, Golden Axe, Streets of Rage 1 through a-friggin-billion, Knights of the Round, and most prominently, Double Dragon.  |
| and two minutes later, you got this. |
Again for those of you that don’t know… Double Dragon (which for purposes of laziness will be noted furthermore as “DD”) is /was / might be set in a post-apocalyptic world where the only survivors are two white guys with pompadour haircuts and faux- Chinese names who work on cars and do kung fu. If that weren’t 80’s cliché enough (remember every white guy in the 80’s was either a Karate Master or a Ninja), these guys look like the stepped off America’s Next Top Model with their knee-high boots and matching outfits. So as the Lee brothers, William and James (Hammer and Spike / Billy and Jimmy), you set off across the city to rescue the lovely Marian who was dumb enough to get fist raped and carried off into the night by the Shadow Warriors while offering absolutely no resistance. NONE! Anyhoo, let’s be off like a bikini top to whoop some ass. (*note: featured video gag is 100x better than the actual game)
DD3 is the third game in the series, and takes place across the world (somehow the apocalypse was undone since the first game) on a quest to retrieve the Sacred Stones, which might as well be petrified horse testicles. Why? Because unless you’re an unredeemable nerd, you’re never gonna see them. This game is harder than Michael Jackson on the set of Sesame Street, and cheaper than a Chinese Jew that steals plastic bags from Wal-Mart.
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| Billy Lee. Bare Hands. No power. |
This game is either utterly ridiculous, or completely grounded in reality, depending your perspective. On one hand, as a simulation DD3, does a remarkable job of showing you just how stupid taking on an 80’s kung fu street gang (usually having ranks in the bazillions) really is. Being that the average super extra ordinary martial artist will be able to take maybe 10 or 12 doods before getting completely overwhelmed; this game hits the nail on the head. Simply put, when you play this game, you’re gonna get sodomized, and not in the passionate Six Feet Under kinda way, but in the “I am not your King” 300 kinda way. Ice T and the SVU team are gonna show up and send you to the hospital to get a rape kit done. You have one power bar in this game, no extra lives, and no Continues. That’s a completely new precedent in the genre. It’s pretty much an “F-U for buying this game”. In fact, as I recall, Satan himself appeared on the screen, made fun of my mother and then my Child World receipt spontaneously combusted. The only way around this is to play with a friend and somehow get far enough in this game to get the extra two characters that defected to your side: Hanzo the ninja, and Chin who has put on A LOT OF WEIGHT since the first game!!
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| WHO WANTS RIBS!? |
Control-wise the game is typical NES fare. The moves in this game aren’t so spectacular, but you have the trademark DD move: The TORNADO kick! There was also a co-op rocket wall jump kick thingy as well, which for some reason the bad guys can do better than you. The graphics were pretty slick for the time and the music was meh, nothing special. Other interesting notes…oh the last boss is MUMMY! Don’t ask me what they were thinking when the made this game, but just play it for five minutes and everything that I have said will be validated. Overall I’d say it’s pretty good game, though I have a sneaking suspicion that Bernie Madoff, George Bush, and the Legion of Doom all had a hand in its development.
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| Actual screen shot |
Super Double Dragon, or SDD, is super friggin game whether you’re playing the American or Japanese version (though the Japanese version is a little tighter). It is by far, my favorite in the series. Its big, its colorful, its epic, it’s quite possibly perfect. The best thing about it is that it actually mixes in real martial arts. DOUBLE DRAGON, NOW WITH LESS SALT AND NOW MADE WITH 100% MARTIAL ARTS!! From the low high roundhouse combos, hook kicks, punch counters, spinning backfists, to the blocking, wall bounces, and jump kicks, this game really delivers. There is also an apparent ‘roid meter that lets you do augmented moves or totally hulks you up if you charge it completely. It’s definitely an odd addition but it works I guess. Bo staffs, tonfas, nunchukus, and boomerangs also make notable appearances in this game as well as the standard dynamite, barrel, and knife weapon options. The music is pretty good and definitely hits a high note during the fight scene on the panel truck crossing the bridge. It’s a run-on level and the truck eventually crashes prompting a remix of the original DD theme to revitalize the ass-whoopin’. My only real gripes are that the airport level is a dry and very left field. Everyone knows crime syndicates have helicopters and private jets! They don’t fly friggin coach! Also I don’t really appreciate the obligatory China Town stage; it’s been done to death (though the speed bag was a nice touch). The last boss also looks like Tony Little!? Meh, so it isn’t perfect, but it’s by far the best in the series.
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