War of the sexes: Common Misconceptions Part III of IV

Hey guys, sorry it’s been long overdue but I wanted to get to work on this article which I’ve been very much delayed in completing for various unimportant-to-you reasons. I’m going to try to not be biased “because I am a guy”, and to just be as clear as possible. I feel that I should probably get the major prereq out of the way first…so let’s be clear: GUYS, YOU ARE STUPID. As most things in this world are relative, this is not to say that you are stupid in and of yourselves, however this is just to say that you’re going to be 5 steps behind most women in any given emotional situation. That’s why 9 times out of 10 you don’t know what the heck you did wrong. So let’s begin…

1.      Man, if this chick calls me ONE MORE TIME while I’m drinking this beer and watching this football game, I’m gonna lose it and end up on the news tonight!

Popular Myth:            She’s trying to drive me totally insane

Actual Truth:             She’s may be trying to drive you totally insane                                             

INTERNATIONAL MEN'S FREEDOM FLAG

This is one of those things that totally contextual, so she may be actually trying to drive you nuts out of spite, or she may be inadvertently trying to drive you nuts. Let’s examine this common issue…First off; everyone loves a new relationship! They’re great!! You want to spend every waking moment with this new and exciting person. You can’t keep your eyes off one another. You can’t keep your hands off one another. It’s a whole new type of drug (*based on physiochemical reactions in the brain similar to narcotics) but the drug does where off. Being that guys have a different schema of attraction than most women do, the effects of that drug are decidedly shorter lived. “Why is this?” you might ask. Simply put; that romantic-touchy-feely-roses n’ candy stuff ain’t real love. S'called infatuation. That’s the easy shit; the cake stage that’s ropes you in. Love is a gritty, horrible, pain-tested maw that chews you up daily. This is not to say that it doesn’t have its rewarding moments but generally it’s a test to see how long you can go without killing this person who greats you daily with morning breath and does that thing that you hate for the 1 billionth time since you met them. Akin to this, you’ll notice that baby’s come cute and endearing and then turn into holy terrors, disrespectful teens, and then money sucking college students. I know those of you that would disagree with this short glib assessment, especially those in that first stage o’ love, but you call me in 10 years and we’ll have a square debate when you catch up. So just to offer a quick counter to your standard Cosmo article: Women don’t judge how much your man loves you by the flowers, candy, jewels, and expensive dinners. Judge it by the length of time he’s gone without killing you. Overall guys get this concept much sooner, mostly because they’re designed to eyeball any pair of D’s that walks by, and that being the guy in the relationship with any woman with standards, has its decidedly sucky moments...sorry to say.

Samurai husband. Ghost wife. Perfect marriage?

Genetically speaking, the human being is a polygamous creature by nature, as most animals are. Women however are generally much more genetically prone toward monogamous relationships because of the simple principles of evolution. This means that waaaaaay back in prehistoric times, if a cave chick didn’t shack up with a cave dude and really get him invested in that relationship, if not just temporarily, there was a much greater chance that she would have been a jerky treat for dinosaur while lugging that bundle of cave joy. You, being the super dude that you are, well…you’re going to hop on any woman that you don’t totally hate that looks half way decent as soon as the best opportunity presents itself and then move onto the next one. Again, many of you may disagree with this concept. To those folks I say, “Shaddup you lying sack o’ crap”. I would contend that this populous species that we have didn’t come about because every guy wasn’t looking for “the one”, but more so for the “the one that would give up the booty tonight”. This is not to lay blame. Good, bad or indifferent, that’s how you’re designed. Its ok, you’re stupid, simple creatures soundly operating according the principles of rationality.

"The Bulls just scored a touchdown, right dear?"

Fellas, if you couldn’t tell by the numerous pregnancy specialty stores, it’s really not all that easy to be pregnant for 9 months and have an extra foot of waistband to contend with. That’s where you come in! All this exposition is really just to clarify one point to you, which is that women get very attached to a guy they see long term potential in. This is irregardless (YEAH I STILL USE THAT WORD!) of the particular station that he occupies at any given time. She’ll always going to stay looking appetizing to him. For guys, this convexted into any girl he sees long term potential in getting booty from, no matter how costly.

Following the logical train of thought that men are stupid, one can logically deduce that women are smart, and thusly they understand that other women are smarter than you as well. Going back to the numbers of it all, unless you’re in China or some other like-minded country, women outnumber us. This means that there aren’t enough guys to go around, and definitely not enough “good” ones. So your woman logically deduces that if she’s picked you as a “good” guy out of the other hundred schmucks that have hit on her in the month, another girl is likely to see that too. Soooo…

The boobs say it all

There are most likely two reasons why you get a ton of calls at inopportune times (e.g. out with the guys, watching the game, doing something veeeeery important in the office, hooking up with your other girlfriend…). From her perspective those two reasons would be 1: “He’s not here. I wish that he was here with me. Let’s see if I can convince him to come back here” and 2: “He’s not here. He might get tempted by some other woman with more / better _____________ than me! Guys are stupid! He’ll cheat on me!” While most often you are just thinking, “That woman’s driving me nuts, I need some eeeeiiiiiiiaaaaa before I fuckin snap!!” This is not to say that you aren’t checking out every cute butt that walks by while you’re getting that air, but most decent guys I know will pick the fortune cookie out of the “stick with your wife barrel” . This does get tricky on occasion as guys are generally not programmed to say no to free booty, *but more on that in later entries. Getting back to the point, more than likely she’s calling your stupid lucky ass because she misses you , OR she’s afraid that someone’s going to steal you away and then she’s REALLY GOING TO MISS YOU. Disclaimer: Keep in mind that there is the off chance that she actually misplaced the peanut butter, the bouillon cubes, or whatever insane thing she’s disguised the call with. There is no cure for this unfortunately, and I didn’t want to pose as a snake oil salesman and give you false hope…but it’s just part of the suckitude that is being a dude in 2011. *but more on that in later entries. Whatever you do, just don't pull a Wolverine on her. It should pass.

2.      Women are emotional powder kegs!

Popular Myth:            She’s a bomb waiting to go off!

Actual Truth:              Most girls are entirely rational, reasonable creatures…that reserve the RIGHT to be irrational and unreasonable when they are outmatched

Being that you’re a guy, I know inherently that you aren’t complicated. I have always, maintained that there is no such thing as a complicated guy. Unfortunately for you, women are complicated and their minds are going a mile a minute, usually about nothing important, but in motion non-the-less. The reason for this is that they have better sensory inputs than you. Let me clarify this for you…For example when one is a small baby and one learns to speak a language, there are a near infinite set of phonemes, or utterances that one can make. The more you learn to speak, the less one uses certain phonemes until eventually you are only able to make the sounds that your particular language requires. Guys in western cultures aren’t conditioned to be emotional creatures, but rational ones that rely on hard fact, reasonable speculative deduction, and trend spotting to determine a reaction or course of action. Simply put, you are working with a completely different basis and thought process for decision making than most women. Women tend to inherently integrate their emotional state into their decision making process in most cases. Unfortunately, as guys, we can’t interpret this as anything other than “YOU’RE NUCKING FUTS!”, “Where the hell did that come from!?”, “Why the fudge would you do that!?”, or even “I have no idea what I did, but she’s pissed”. You’re thinking, “Why did she buy that bright pink sun dress and 250$ sunglasses? It’s November and we live in Greenland.” She’s thinking “Pink is my favorite color. I’ll get a chance to wear it some point in my life if I lose 15lbs and go up two cup sizes.” This is something that we guys will never understand. You should make peace with this fact.

Much to the contrary of the popular myth, todays woman is generally very educated, intelligent, logic based creature. Part of this is due to the women’s rights movement, the integration into the workforce, and the general struggle for equality. So this has led to a series of double standards that systematically confuse and befuddle the modern man which can be summed up in the statement of, “Do not treat me like some illogical , irrational, inconsolable, hysteric! I am just as capable and intelligent as you…except when I’m really mad and I’m allowed to act like an irrational, inconsolable, and hysteric!” Again, I’m not claiming to have an avenue around it, but that’s just the reality that you should be prepared for. I hate to say it guys, but no matter how great your girl is, and I have seen some stellar girlfriends; when push comes to shove, she reserves the RIGHT to act KUH-RAZAAH!! (FYI: that is approximately 3 standard deviations from normal “crazy”) Again, I don’t care how great your girl is; sooner or later she’s gonna act batshit crazy and have absolutely no remorse about it. Consequently, you’d better not say a goddamn thing about it because pointing how illogical or crazy something is, just makes them more illogical and crazy

Optimus didn't master the "yes, dear"

TIP:  Master the “yes, dear”. It’s a very important technique to learn and should be practiced from inception. This is not to say roll over whenever your woman gets heated, or literally say “yes, dear”. You should stick to your guns, but just be aware that you’re never really going to “win” an argument. Come to think of it, most “victories” are short lived as they are soon revisited in the future with renewed vitriol and explosiveness. Like a good zombie, women's arguments never really die as they are usually based on emotion. So guys, pick your battles. Is being “right” it worth the unending headache? Unless you’ve got someone else lined up, most times it’s not, so just keep that in mind. You live in mortal fear of facing hell for (*insert pet peeve here), but don’t you dare remind her about (*insert pet peeve here) more than once or you’ll catch a hot one.

TIP:  Stop doing dumb shit, or as a friend of mine would say, “Don’t get in trouble”. This consists of first redefining your concept of dumb shit (i.e. your woman’s), and then stop doing it. Unfortunately this is a trial and error process and requires that you get your hands dirty. It is never a smooth or easy procedure, so be confident that she’ll tolerate your dumb ass until you figure it out. It also requires being thoughtful and understanding that women have emotions-in-practice, rather than a guy’s emotions-in-theory. This involves a certain amount of guesswork and practical theory. So learn to subconciously preface every decision with “what is she going to think, how is she going to react, and how is it going to work out to be my fault?” to A, B, or C. Also let me reinforce the point that it is going to be YOUR FAULT (that some girl checked you out, that you had to work late, or that Japan had an earthquake), so understand that shit fundamentally. That’ll save you most headaches. If you forgo these precursive measures and do something stupid, go to the "pray she never finds out" option as a backup.

TIP:  *Keep in mind fellas, that you are not to come into a new relationship with these schemas previously embedded in your mind, as this will make women disinterested in you. You are to repeat these steps with each new partner. Women, much like carpenters, prefer to have a fixer upper boyfriend with good possibilities as it keeps them engaged, inventive, and challenged. Don’t be thinking you’re going to act like the perfect trouble-free-boyfriend off the bat. Most women don’t like that shit as much as they won't admit it (*aforementioned). Whereas guys love a woman that doesn’t aggravate them habitually, girls prefer to face a certain reasonable degree of lying, cheating, and stealing . The girls that usually vehemently contest this well established fact either are studying full time to be cat-ladies, or have some poor schmuck soooo helplessly whooped that they feel untouchable. You’re using guy-logic thinking that you’ll save them the trouble, aggravation, crushed self esteem, and years of therapy by acting like superman, but you're really just setting yourself up to get wrecked. It’s all about finding an acceptable level of dumb shit and implied remorsefulness. If your girl ever describes your relationship as “perfect”, you’d better watch yo ass Jack because its human nature to seek out conflict. Another way to think of it is in the reaction a guy gives when he falls in love with a girl. He says, “She’s perfect!” A girl will say, “He’ll be perfect, just as soon as I fix this one thing about him!” Make sure you always have that one thing to fix.

Stuff You Should Probably See: Let Me In

I was thinking that it was about time that I did a movie review (or endorsement)…unfortunately I haven’t been able to decide on which movie I want to review (or endorse) because I’m an indecisive bastard. As always, before I start talking, let’s get some of the disclaimers out of the way. Number one: I’m only going to review movies that I like and would possibly recommend people to see. This is in stark contrast to the movies that you like, which probably suck. I just wanted to get that hump out of the way. Number two: there will be no pretentious dissections because pretentious dissections by people who think that they’re god’s gift to film make me want to punch starving children in the face…REPEATEDLY. Number three: there will potentially be swearing, off-color comedy, and potentially some sacrilege. I know that you guys wouldn’t expect any less from me…So just so you know that I was completely serious about those disclaimers: PENIS!

1-800-WET-BOYS

So to begin, I saw Let Me In about 3 weeks ago after it was recommended by both my tallest and shortest friends respectively. It had been some time since I had seen vampire movie so I thought that I would give it a shot. Bottom line is that I liked it, though it wasn’t quite what I expected. Describing this movie as "horror" is perhaps a little bit too strong of a descriptor. What I felt that they did right was giving us a multi-dimensional vampire that stayed true to the origins. I don’t know if you all have been paying attention, but in the past couple of years the whole country has become obsessed with sparkling, vegetarian, Abercrombie & Bitch, 90210, queerio vampires that sweep impressionable tweens off their feet. As a historical point of contention let me make one clear statement…VAMPIRES DO NOT WEAR SKIN TIGHT JEANS, HANG OUT ON THE CW NETWORK, SPARKLE, OR GET THEIR HAIR DONE BY PAUL FUCKIN’ MITCHELL. VAMPIRES ARE DEMONIC, AND THEY FUCKIN' KILL PEOPLE! How much of their previous humanity they keep after they transformation is a point of debate. So it’s refreshing to see a movie that’s based on a book that’s not trying to sugar coat the lore to make a buck. I haven’t seen a finer depiction of a vampire since, well John Carpenter’s Vampires.

Far cry from Hit Girl? Not so much...

Just so that we are clear, this movie is actually a love story of sorts. Without going into too much detail and spoiling it for you all, the main character is a little boy in a little podunky town in New Mexico. This little boy is extremely scrawny and androgynous looking and consequently has three bullies that make his life hell. Of course, to complete the pie, he has no friends. This changes when an equally strange little girl moves into his apartment complex with her father and slowly befriends him. As you will surmise early in the film, the little girl is actually a vampire and is as equally outcast as the little boy. This is mainly because she FUCKIN' KILLS PEOPLE. This establishes an almost odd mirror image dichotomy, as both can only really leave the confines of their respective loneliness at night with each other. In the words of Marge Simpson, “Theres just something so unwholesome about flying a kite at night”. So there’s something that’s so unwholesome about a little boy that only goes out to play after eight at night. There’s all of the other cliché’s that go with an adolescent love story such as trips to the candy store, getting into mom’s old records, embarrassing yourself on your first date, and rubiks cube on the jungle gym. You can call me a sap, but I think it worked well for the story. Despite being a demonic unholy killing machine, the little girl was just as human as the rest of us, and that crushes are usually a very awkward affair.  

I don’t want to divulge too much because, again I want you to see it. Overall I would say that I was very impressed with it, and encourage you to check it out.

Epic Slaylist!: The 80’s

There are a few things in life that everyone should enjoy; a cold drink on a hot day, a burger fresh off the grill and 80’s music of course.  80’s music is as American as apple pie and annoying teenagers, and stands alone as possible the most unifying period of music since orchestrated music was invented.  The 80’s was wacky, fun, rebellious, dark, hedonistic, satanic, folksy, loud, subdued, depressing, colorful, and obnoxious. Anybody could find their musical niche in that era which was typified by a lack monikers and boundaries. These songs would be what I would consider the best of their generation and they span the many peaks and valleys of that long gone era, though I did try to skip the overly cliché songs that one would expect. This is a mix that truly has something for everyone.

1.       AHA – Take on Me

2.       Joy Division –  Love Will Tear Us Apart

3.       Scandal –  The Warrior

4.       Big Country – In a Big Country

5.       The Cure – Love Song

6.       Dokken – Kiss of Death

7.       Crowded House – Don’t Dream Its Over

8.       Blue Oyster Cult – Don’t Fear the Reaper

9.       Pat Benatar – Love is a Battlefield

10.   Guns n’ Roses – Think About You

11.   Dramarama – Anything, Anything

12.   The Smiths – Shoplifters of the World Unite

13.   Depeche Mode – Black Celebration

14.   Goo  Goo Dolls – I’m Awake Now

15.   Ozzy Osbourne – Bark At The Moon

16.   Simple Minds – Don’t You Forget About Me

War of the sexes: Common Misconceptions Part II of IV

5.      There are no more good guys; You killed them

Popular Myth: There are no more good guys

Actual Truth: Yes, there are. You just don’t know how to spot them

The last guy that treated you well...

I can’t say how many times I’ve heard this one. For some reason it really gets under my skin as it does to most guys. Ladies I guarantee you that every good guy you know, knows at least 3 other good guys, so it really baffles us when you say that we don't exist. The real reason that you can’t find a good guy is because you aren’t looking for one.  I have seen girls “looking for a good guy” and they find em’ quick, and boy do they latch on! There seems to abundance of women who say that they're looking for a good guy, but latch on to the worst guys imaginable. The problem is that good guys are generally a lot less conspicuous than their evil counterparts. So for all you girls looking to snag a winner, you probably don’t want to go after the guy that’s obviously putting himself out there every second of every day being flamboyant and obnoxious. IN SHORT, stay away from the egomaniacal douchebags.  A logical question might be where did the douchebags come from?

same guy, 5 rejections later

The going theory:  Back when we are younger and we are learning the dynamics of social interactions we form basic impressions of how things work.  Overall guys are pretty simple critters. Reasonably intelligent guys work in a very strict cause-effect methodology. Let’s be honest and realistic here. Every girl that reads this at one point or another has had good guy be very straight up in their attempt to “woo” you. I mean he was honest, caring, listened to your thoughts, showed you respect, supported you when you needed it; the whole shbang. Then for one reason or another, “you couldn’t see yourself with that guy”, “weren’t ready for a relationship”, “wanted to just be friends” or whatever. THEN you turn around and start dating some psycho egomaniac that treats you like crap, unceremoniously cheats on you, or just doesn’t really give a damn about you in the first place. Then after getting your heart broken for years chasing ostentatious dickwads, you start to wonder where that nice guy was that liked you in the beginning is or why you can’t find any guys like that anymore. The sad news is that YOU KILLED HIM. He’s either been snagged by a smarter girl or he’s been slowly mutated into a philandering, panty chasing cast member of the Jersey Shore.  This is sad because over the years of being a good doobie, he’s learned that for some reason, that chicks don’t necessarily want what they say they want and that they seem prefer a guy that gives em’ a fair amount of trouble and heartache. Hence they transform into what they think you want.  Simple cause and effect. To a point, this logic is not entirely faulty as women tend not to idealize the black or white, but the many shades of gray. Combine that with motherly nature and you get a girl who’d rather expend energy and attempt to transform a rotten apple into a half passable crumble, than take a good egg and have a great quiche.  What can I say about that kind of logic? Women are crazy. What girls fail to understand is that they make the rules in this game. They are holding all the keys to all of the doors. They literally get to pick and choose who they want to be with. An apt quote from Lisa Simpson is, “You see? I want to bring out the Millhouse in Nelson.” To which Millhouse promptly replies, “BUT IM ALL MILLHOUSE!”

Katy Perry married an unstable drug-addicted, ex-con, sex addict... Dude must be doing something right

6.      There are other women on the planet; some may in fact may be more attractive than you

Popular Myth: My guy should only have eyes for me

Actual Truth: A good guy only has a mind only for you, but them eyes are gonna wander

This is a tricky subject because it’s one of those hot button issues that has an argument on both sides. For most guys, there is very little understanding of the female psyche. They don’t understand how your mind works. Unfortunately after a lifetime being surrounded by women, I and a few other guys I know have a natural proclivity towards understanding it. So for the guys out there, here’s the logic; Girls have more singularity of mind, especially when it comes to attraction. When they like a guy, they obsess. That is the only guy on the planet to them. They talk about him incessantly, much to the horror and annoyance of all those around them. You can tell when a girl is into a guy because she starts every sentence with, “My boyfriend _______________________.” (FYI: Ladies, you are not going to convince us to love your BF as much as you do, no matter how great he is. Please stop making us nauseous.) Getting back to the point...This attitude is going to project onto her expectations of you fellas, not because she’s being a psycho, but because she doesn’t understand that men’s minds work much differently, especially after that honeymoon stage of the relationship. Any dude that starts every other sentence with "My girlfriend___________" will quickly be cut out of his circle of friends.

"Topless girls on the overpass? Sorry I didn't notice them, honey"

So ladies with that being said, in an ideal relationship, that guy's gonna love you more than anything else in his world. You may very well be the functional center of his universe, and believe me when I say that he loves you very much. Unfortunately, due to the laws of reality, you are in fact not the only woman on the planet and by far not the most attractive no matter how "hot" you think or he tells you that you are. It’s probably best that you don’t lie to yourself about that, and try adamantly to get your partner to lie about it. It just makes life easier for everyone. So his mind is yours and in an ideal relationship, and he’s gonna try to make you feel great about yourself. This does not mean that he’s not checking out every hot girl that walks by him. When you’re dragging him along clothes shopping for or sitting in a restaurant, he’s checking out the other girls. He’s genetically programmed to check out every skirt that walks by him just as you’re genetically programmed to be emotional at certain times per month. Besides, you can’t be all hypocritically fanatical about Tom Brady, Denzel Washington, and Johnny Depp and expect that your BF has a shrine to only you in his closet.

Monogamy: Not for everyone

He has friends or acquaintances that are going to be girls, and this causes many women a lot of anxiety because they are suspicious or insecure or whatever. Ladies if your boyfriend or husband has a lot of women or guy friends and he spends time with them, don’t be insecure about it. People are social creatures and this whole “You can only confide in me for the rest of your life” thing doesn’t really work out too well in reality as it leads to feelings of confinement and resentment. It doesn’t mean that he’s aiming to leave you or anything but certain people vibe at certain times and you can’t be the go-to person for everything. “BUT!”, you say, “I got this friend who’s boyfriend left her for a girl he met at work, etc.” Well to that I say, “tough tomatoes”. Let’s get back to reality people. Things don’t always have a fairytale ending. Some people aren’t meant to be together forever. Heartbreak is always an active card to be played as people tend to grow apart and genetic programming dictates polygamy and social programming endorses monogamy. In any case, if someone is set in their minds to leave then you can’t stop them. Attempting to somehow prevent this by imprisoning them is only going to hasten their departure.  If you want your relationship to work then you can only put in your 50% of the pie and hope for the best. Also learning to be a better judge of character could help...This is especially true of people who pride themselves on being in a relationship for whatever reason AND TALK ABOUT IT INCESSANTLY. When their "perfect relationship" goes south then they end up looking like a dumbass. One of my favorite instances of this is when a friend said to me, "You know what's weird about you? You've been with this girl forever and yet you never talk about her". My reply to this was, "Why would I talk about her? She's not here." Never define yourself as someone else's accessory because if they leave, then you're nothing.

The male psyche...very very very complicated

7.      We said what we meant, and we meant what we said. 

Popular Myth: Men are deep complicated creatures

Actual Truth: Multidimensional, maybe... Complicated, no

“What do you mean by that!?” is the cry of the wife / girlfriend. Nothing; we meant nothing by it beyond the words that we said. Again this is one of those finer points of contention between men and women. For the guys out there, here’s how it works; While you were off playing with your GI Joes and watching He-Man, the girls were playing dress-up and having imaginary tea parties. This means that while we were gaining a visuo-spatial  edge over them, they were gaining a psycho-social  edge on us. Adaptively speaking, being that most women lack the physical power to contend with most men, they have to possess the mental dexterity to outthink us. Simply put, she’s smart, you’re dumb. Thems are the facts chief. Of course there are exceptions to every rule, but overall they spent their early years building very complex social schemas and essentially learning to verbally manipulate everyone around them. So this gives them an innate mastery of double speak, ulterior motives, and subtext. This is not to personify them as evil incarnate to you guys, but it’s simply a game most girls learn to play to one degree or another as it is the social norm. To the contrary, guys have almost no understanding of this. This is not to say that a guy cannot be witty or deceptive, but we tend to mean what we say and not have any other complicated meanings underneath it.  So ladies save yourself the mental anguish of trying to interpret what he’s saying and take it at face value.You really do look fine, so can we get going without you getting mad?

Many women want a guy who will “open up” and share their feelings. Sorry to disappoint you, but if you are dating a man’s man, odds are that his ability to express these feelings is severly atrophied. He probably doesn’t even know how to interpret his feelings, let alone explain them to you. I personally give girls a lot of credit for this because many guys really don’t know how to deal with their emotions. 9 out of 10 emotions manifest as being crabby, so you never really know what’s wrong with a guy when he’s manifests that way. Is he nervous, annoyed, hungry, tired, mad, overwhelmed? Ask him and see what he says.

That having been said, being that most guys have lost their ability to express their emotions beyond monosyllabic utterances, he’s not going get whatever signal you’re trying to throw at him.  Many girls tend not to be very direct in expressing their emotions, often relying on subtle cues to manipulate others into acting a certain way or reacting. A lovely experiment for you girls to try is subtle flirtation. I've found that most guys will not think a girl is flirting with them unless she's being veeeeeeery obvious, direct, or slutty about it. Anything short of that may very well fly under the radar (guy-dar). Overall this does not work well with guys because we’re missing that piece of the brain. Guys this is why your GF gets mad when that hot girl asked you for directions and gave you "a look", and you patiently repeated giving her directions even though she seemed confused after you told her the first time. She knew that the girl thought you were cute, while you were simply trying to visualize the fastest path to her destination and explain it coherently. So again ladies, just say what’s on your mind and make it easy so that we can pick up on the cues better in the future without you having to spell it out. Yes, we really are that dumb. Let’s practice shall we...

“I’ve had crappy day. I would appreciate some time alone”

“I’m feeling a bit insecure. Make me feel special”

“I’m feeling underappreciated. Make some time for me”

“I’m very excited about this. Listen attentively”

"I just bought this. Tell me what you think of it"

"I like you as more than a friend. We should hangout and see where it goes"

As aforementioned, English; it’s a good language and most good partners will be more than accommodating once they have a clear understanding of you. Most guys will say or do whatever it is you want them to do to keep you happy because we probably don't care that much about the issue to begin with. Despite wanting to explore your nether-regions, we really do love and pride ourselves on making you happy. So have some mercy on our cognitive deficits and take baby steps in the beginning please ladies. This of course only applies if you're not dating a douche-bag.

NEXT INSTALLMENT WE COVER THE DUDES...